one person called this a "grand artistic endeavor," and while that sounds nice and lofty, i don't think it was all too grand or artistic at all. it was just an experiment to see how i express myself to the people i love and how it feels to share that with a larger audience. it was also a challenge to make myself write every single day.

what did i learn? that letter writing is very comforting and relaxing, and it feels so nice to connect with someone from heart to head to pen to paper. that i may express myself in different ways to different people, but it doesn't make me any less real or genuine. it's just the nature of relationships. that some things are better left unsaid, and while it is a very grand and artistic thing to tell true stories, i don't owe explanations to anyone -- not you, not them, not even myself.

this is a website. these are stories. that is all.

here are notes kept this week -- just like a writer to keep notes about the notes i write.

day one
there has been no editing for style or content whatsoever. this is the actual letter i sent ani today. i tried as best i could to write this with only her in mind, but the idea of another audience reading this sometimes slipped into my head. still, i tried to maintain a level of intimacy and honesty, even if it made me cringe mentioning certain things i normally wouldn't mention on the site.

interesting.

also: we did not end up having bacon, because marmalade cafe stopped serving breakfast at 1pm and we got there at 1:30pm. drats, foiled again! still, the food was delish and i would highly recommend it to anyone in the los angeles area.

day two

i feel all silly about saying what i said about feeling lonely in my last letter to ani, because today i truly felt at home and like myself, hanging out with the st. monica's crew. old friends and new friends, alike -- loneliness didn't come into my head once.

when writing to my grandma, i am always careful what i say, because she is a chronic worrier, and it is so bad that it affects her health. my letters are always good news and good feelings, and that's perfectly okay, because why would i want to send anything else to her across all those thousands of miles? also: i pay close attention to my handwriting, because she would scowl at me if it were less than lovely. she was a teacher, you know.

the great thing about my grandma is she never writes me letters, yet she constantly complains that i don't write her enough. i love that. also: she keeps everything. the last time i was in the philippines, we pored over letters that my mother had written her when she was just a little girl.

day three
these notes, i'm realizing, are becoming just as interesting to me as the letters themselves. it's what's going through my head at the time that is so fascinating.

last night, before writing that letter to michelle, i sat staring into nothing trying to figure out who to write next.

confession: i felt myself cringing at the idea of writing certain people because of certain items of conversation i'd have to bring up (i.e. if i wrote tonia, i would have to talk boy-talk and i just didn't want to get into that on the site, knowing that certain boys read this).

but you know what? that's ok, because you reach a certain point where you decide what you want to share and what you don't want to share. no apologies necessary. this is what it is.

by the way, i really am mailing these letters. it's a good thing i bought stamps the other day.

day four
next verse, same as the first.

day five
this is a postcard i wish i could send to my friend greg fox but can't, because i don't know where exactly he is right now (somewhere in alaska, i think).

he is the only person i wanted to talk to last night. i can write one sentence to him and he knows just what i mean.

last night, i lay in bed, scribbled a few words and fell asleep, sad.

day six

this writing-every-single-day-no-matter-what business is exhausting.

blah.

day seven

rusty was one of the first people to whom i'd write long, narrative letters, inserting photographs and decorating envelopes, making observations on the world and sharing my dreams and secrets on slices of paper.

i miss that. not just his letters -- although his were especially cherished -- but all letters, that feeling of opening your mailbox and seeing a piece of someone you love waiting to be opened. whether it was a love letter or a rushed note from a friend, it was always just so nice to get it.

certainly, there should be more letters to the people we love.

Week of letters: Day 7 26 May 2001

From: christine castro
To: rrm.
Subject: desperately seeking inspiration
Date: Fri, 25 May 2001 20:07:31

r.

what do you do when you are running out of things to say?

xo,
c.

: christine castro
: christine@maganda.org
: www.maganda.org

Week of letters: Day 6 25 May 2001

24 may 2001 @ 10:14pm

hi, missy.

i just got back from church and i'm wiped. my back aches, my allergies are acting up and i have this strange splinter on my heel -- i feel like a grandma more than ever. ("oh my aching back!") you know what sounds perfect after a day like today? sitting at anastasia's with you, drinking a vanilla latté and just talkingtalkingtalking until everything starts to make sense again.

right now my head is spinning, and like everything is zooming right by me and i'm trying to get a glimpse of it all but it's too fast and it's too much. so much has happened in the past month, and it's sl all starting to hit me, what everything means.

i'm probably just talking nonsense, but that's what i do when i'm tired. oh my god, remember that one time at st. joe's when i broke down and ran in the rain and crawled into my car and rambled like a mad fool? haha! and you just gave me that look, that Tonia Look that said, "christine you are being so crazy right now but it's okay because i love you anyway" and you started to laugh and i started to laugh too.

and that's what i miss.

not having to say much, because we know we understand completely.

that's why although you know i still want desperately to move to new york someday, i am secretly hoping i will still be here when you come home. because we'll have more than rushed emails and hushed phone calls on the company 1-800 number. because you'll be here with me (and the rest of your family, but that goes without saying).

i'm so excited for your visit next week, and i hope we can steal a few moments (i'll settle for one) to have girl time.

until then, my little fireball.

love,
christine.

Week of letters: Day 5 24 May 2001

Week of letters: Day 4 23 May 2001

22 may 2001

dear tom².

i'm finding it very difficult to concentrate right now. i'm sitting at a coffeehouse by my house, but instead of it being the quiet place i was hoping for, it is completely distracting. to my left is a gay couple discussing religion at great length. to my right are two guys talking about 'chicks.' at least i finished the reading i'd been hoping to do, so that's something.

this is part of a project i've been working on this week: i'm writing letters and posting them on the web before i se, as an experiment.

so:

i moved. (i'm sorry if i repeat myself, but i can't remember what i've last told you.) i was living in westwood, but our landlord was crazy so we moved out. i parted ways with my roommate (it felt strangely like a break-up and i was leaving her for another woman) and moved in with my friend rima in silverlake, which is on the other side of town. it's such a nice place; you'd love it. i love it.

i got promoted. it was a long time coming, but worth the wait. i'm now doing more and making more and mostly likely growing gray hair at a more rapid rate. i also hope to be saving more, although i'm having bad urges to spend it -- i'm definitely buying a new computer but i was also considering traveling a bit. when i tried to invite myself along on ricky's trip to holland, he quickly said no, that i have to save it for new york, instead. typical ricky.

i started volunteering again. i'm working with high school kids at st. monica's church, and i love it there. i think i needed that time i took off after moving out of orange county, because now i feel energized and excited. and doing something for someone else feels so good, as i'm sure you remember from all the camp counseling. not to mention that working with high school kids keeps me on my toes.

that, along with doing my webstuff and visiting mom & dad and hanging out with my homies keeps me insanely busy, but isn't that the castro way? do five million things at once, wait until the very last minute, sleep only when you have to, and party every chance you can. i think that pretty much sums it up.

and how are you? dad gave me this stack of phone cards, and i'v should really make use of them, so you can expect a call from me soon. but until then, please write. i'll sen settle for three-sentence emails. as long as they're from you.

you know i miss you.

love, your favorite sister,
t-10

Week of letters: Day 3 22 May 2001

21 may 2001 @ 10:30pm

hey, lady.

it's late, and i'm wired, and i should be in bed with this inch-thick work document, prepping for a 9am meeting, but of course not. i'm drinking coffee, listening to belle & sebastian and writing. i'm becoming my old self again!

hey, wait. actually, aren't you coming home some time this summer? (man, i wish i had summer vacation, again. imagine all that i'd get done -- or all the time i'd waste talking about what i should be doing.) i hope so. and this time, if you do, you have to promise you'll come over, and even spend the night. we can get drinks in the 'hood then come home and pig out on whatever's in the fidge and laugh at everything and nothing because that's what we do. gosh, i miss you.

how are you, anyway? i hear rich is finally making the big move (the other week claudine, brent, joel & i went out to dinner and oh my gosh, could those two be any cuter? anyway, that's how i heard--brent told me). i can't believe april, which sounded so impossibly far away when you were getting ready to move out, has already come and gone. your patience and love and trust has totally inspired me. i'm so happy for you ,too two.

i guess i'm finally learning patience, as well. everything is falling into place, so far. home. work. words. i'm making all sorts of progress. now i just have to get myself out there. but all in good time. i know it's not meant to be yet, because there's lots to be done here. i'm actually enjoying LA (i honestly didn't think i'd say that. heh).

anyway, i guess i should go.

write soon. or better yet, just come visit.

i miss you, girl.

love,
christine

Week of letters: Day 2 21 May 2001

20 may 2001

dear grandma,
last night i went to an asian american film festival (where they show short and long movies written by young filmmakkers) and saw one about a girl's grandmother and i thought of you.

how are you? i am doing very well, so well that i wonder how i got so lucky! i'm not sure what mom has told you but i have gotten a promotion at work. i am now producer of the websites, rather than just an assistant, which simply means more responsibility and more to do. it's all good, though, and i feel like my job is becoming a challenge again, and therefore more interesting and enriching. (it also means more money, and maybe i can finally come visit you soon!)

i have also recently moved again, to yet another part of town. this is my final move here in los angeles, though, i can assure you, because i love my house. it IS more of a house than an apartment -- a duplex, really, with hardwood floors and big windows and lots of space. and don't you worry: the neighborhood is quite safe. in fact, there a few filipinos families on the block. manay mina & manay leonor s came with my mom and dad on mother's day, so you can ask them yourself when they come over to make tsismis. i will also take many pictures, and send them to you.

aside from those two big events, i am keeping busy with my usual work with the youth group at st. monica's and writing on the side and, of course, spending time with friends. my life feels is so full right now and i feel incredibly blessed.

i hope you are doing well. i am sure you are doing too many things at once (it runs in the family, perhaps!) as usual. just remember to take it easy and keep your worries to a minimum.

i promise to write again soon.

i love you and miss you dearly.

always,
christine

Week of letters: Day 1 20 May 2001

19 may 2001 @ 12:01pm.

dearest ani,
i just dug through my shoebox of stationary to find some pretty paper on which to write and found this pad that vaguely reminds me of fruit stripe gum. i'm writing with a new pen -- the uni-ball VISION EXACT(TM) -- which i (dare i say it) like even more than the pilot vball. it's my new favorite pen. i don't even know why i'm writing you this letter (on paper, i mean, as opposed to email) because last time i asked for your address, you couldn't give it to me due to paranoid, er, concerned roommates, which i can completely understand. but it feels nice to sit here with my cup of coffee & pad on my lap. it feels nice to write.

thank you for your letter. thank you for thinking out loud with me. and i -- you know, as usual -- know just what you mean. about the webstuff. about the loneliness. about the choices. all of it. especially the loneliness.

see, that's the weird thing. i feel stupid for feeling lonely because it sounds like such a whiney 14-year-old-girl thing to say. especially when i have filled my life with such goodness, lately. like time with high school kids and my new kickass roommate rima and my friends claudine and joel and lisaann and my darling parents and everyone else. i love them all and i am so glad they're in my life, and yet. well. let me put it this way: i miss having a boy around. ("the boy," by the way, of whom i spoke is a web boy, but it's a long story and i don't even know anymore). i miss cuddling and kissing and poking and tickling and hand holding. god, i am such a sap. make me stop. now.

so, this is what i think: i think no matter what you do and where you go, you need to either a) stay in NYC until i at least come & visit you or b) stop by LA on the way to your next destination. really. we have a futon and it's oh so comfortable and hardwood floors to slide around on and i'll make you coffee or tea in the morning and drive you around my 'hood with the windows rolled down and it'll be lovely. come on. really. please?

i am not trying to make light of your dilemma, mind you. it's just that i know you'll make the right choice. you're one tough cookie & sharp as a tack (ha! do i sound like your grandma? "here, have a kleenex."). out of the people in my life i care about, there are some people i know will always be okay. that's why i'm not worried about you. not because i don't care. because i know you kick ass like that.

two questions:

1) when did meg become "mae"?
2) who is angelene?

one demand:

i want to see europe photos & hear europe stories! um. now!

ok. i think i heard claudine's d car door slam outside, so that's my cue. we're having bacon for lunch! well, she won't, since she's vegetarian, but i will.

write soon, dear.

xoxo,
christine

p.s. yes! domain! do it!
p.p.s. you = rockstar.

Week of letters 19 May 2001

the idea, like all ideas, came in a flash. no! a lightbulb, flickering above my head, on tuesday night. and then it floated -- right? because ideas float -- into my head where it's been floating ever since. until this morning, when i got one of the best letters ever from my girl ani, which convinced me that i need to do this.

before my reading spot at the café, they introduced me as 'writer and creator of maganda.org' and i felt kind of dorky, like

"hi, i have a website."

"so what's it about?"

"well, me."

and i had this sinking feeling everyone would go home thinking i had the typical homepage with pictures of my cat and a list of my stats. i wondered what they'd think of me, reading those words, after meeting me. did i seem self-centered? did i misrepresent myself? did i seem like the same girl who stood before them just hours before or was i a complete stranger?

then i started to think about what i write and the layers of meaning and context and privacy and everything, like i do way too often. and i played devil's advocate with myself for a moment and asked, "why do i do this, anyway? why do i say what i say and why do i say it to a million people? would i tell my best friend what i write here? would i write here what i'd tell my best friend? isn't this all sort of warped and twisted and weird?"

that's when i had the idea: i am going to write letters for one week, and i am going to post them here. it's an experiment, if you will, to see what it is i choose to tell the people in my life and whether i feel comfortable posting it to a public space. i don't know what the goal is, except for maybe to try it. (sometimes, that is goal enough.)

tomorrow, it starts.

one week of letters.